Her Life Is Better than Mine
The overwhelming feeling of being behind in life has gone from slowly creeping up on me to constant alarm bells going off with urgency, no matter how hard I try to turn them off. Trying to be mindful and practice patience with yourself can seem easy the first few days, it's like a high on delusion and hope. The hard part hits you suddenly when you count three weeks past your start date, and the reality of the long journey ahead really settles in. It's fun to imagine a better life when you think you’re close to actually living it, but really, you are no closer to that dream than you are to Mars.
I know this all sounds negative and can come across as bitter, but I’ve found that allowing myself to dream big while taking only the tiniest steps in the direction of the life I want to lead will actually get me nowhere. The first few weeks of ‘bettering myself’ are always exciting, no matter how many times I restart, but the struggle settles in very soon after. You realise that there is way more work to do than the current efforts you’re putting in, and the next thing you know, you’ve landed in the mental torment that is comparison. I’m sure most of you are familiar with the saying, “comparison is the thief of joy”, and if you’re not, then I’m glad to say that it speaks for itself. I’ve always found myself trapped in the infectious cycle of wanting change in my life, working towards it slowly every day, getting frustrated at how slow it's going, starting to compare my life to others, then doing it all again. This loop has been playing on repeat for a long time now, but recently, I’ve noticed that it's stuck on the comparison stage for longer than I’d like to admit.
It's easy to observe the lives of influential/famous people and instinctively compare how exciting their realities are compared to ours, but it is especially humbling- with an envious tinge - when it's people you know. I was recently talking about this with my best friend. I had a moment of frustration regarding this feeling that has been brewing for so long that I can't remember what my state of mind was like before the envy took over. It's one thing to feel behind in life, but it's another feeling completely when it's supported by joy’s most notorious thief. It is difficult to get out of this unbearable mindset, and I wish I could end this entry with some words of encouragement and possible guidance. The truth is, this is a challenge I am finding really difficult to overcome, and a feeling too overpowering to go about life without fearing being perceived. The grasp that the opinions of others have on my ability to freely express myself only grows tighter the more I try to escape its control.
Maybe the only way to be free from its tight grip is to work with it, instead of against it. Maybe it's best to manipulate this perspective from weakness to motivation. Why do others get to live in the daylight while you hide in the shadows? What makes their lives better than yours? Do pictures on an Instagram feed justify the quality of their lives and place their existence above yours? Does ranking other people above yourself serve as anything other than an injustice to everything you’ve worked on and stand for? So many unanswered questions, but there is no point in looking for the answers externally when they all reside within.
If you dig deep enough, everything you’re questioning about yourself and your life will answer itself. It is up to you whether or not you’ll accept what you uncover, just like it is in your hands to start enjoying your life free from the fear of perception and judgement of others. I am in the process of trying to do this, but it is proving to be more difficult than I thought. Hopefully, the more I challenge myself by doing things that scare me more often, the easier it will be to live my life in the daylight and abandon the shadows once and for all.
